


I Swear I Lived

by Sushi_Cat



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Geisha, Hi no Kuni | Land of Fire, Historical Inaccuracy, Kinda, Konohagakure | Hidden Leaf Village, Koto (Instrument), No Future Knowledge, No Uchiha Massacre, Samurai, Self-Insert, Sexism, Suicide, Tetsu no Kuni | Land of Iron, fan dance, oc-insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29741745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sushi_Cat/pseuds/Sushi_Cat
Summary: “You have always been more than just a geisha or just a samurai’s daughter, your aspirations have always made you greater”Hagamegi Kiyomi is born into a samurai household in the Land of Iron. She is brilliant, but the samurai society is sexist and women have no opportunities; so she plans, dreams, and practices everything and anything she is allowed to. When tragedy strikes her family, Kiyomi is sold to an okiya (entertainment house for geisha), and from there, she travels to the Fire Daimyo’s court, pays off her debt, and lives to continue chasing her dreams.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 51





	I Swear I Lived

Hagamegi Kiyomi is born on June 15th to a samurai family named in the Land of Iron during the Second Great Ninja war. Her family name is “steel honor” or “steel righteousness” and her name means “pure beauty”. She is the eldest child and a daughter in a nation ruled by the patriarchy, and her birth goes uncelebrated. The first child determines the family’s fortune; a first-born son signifies auspicious tidings while first-born daughters do not benefit the family, bringing shame on the mother who failed to birth a male. 

The first three years of her life, Kiyomi is raised by a wet nurse. Her father Hagamegi Isao, whose name stands for “honor”, is a high-ranking samurai serving under a  _ shugo  _ (military governor) with a court title. Her mother’s name is Arisu, meaning “noble”, and is a renowned  _ kabuki  _ performer (the highest form of performing arts) and  _ shamisen  _ player. Neither of Kiyomi’s parents have time to waste on a daughter. 

When she first meets her parents, Kiyomi is three. Her father brings her a performing fan and books as a present, pats her head and tells her that  _ “Women of your status-- a samurai’s daughter-- are expected to be educated in the noble arts, so study hard, okay?” _ . Mother stands quietly behind her husband, arms folded into the draping sleeves of her kimono, and makes no move to approach her. Before she leaves, Mother tells the nurse to  _ “Find tutors for tea ceremony, fan dance, and reading-- good tutors.” _

And so, Kiyomi’s lessons begin. 

~~~~~

Very quickly, her tutors realize that Hagamegi Kiyomi is exceptionally intelligent. She is a natural at tea ceremony, with her solemn disposition and quiet elegance. Kiyomi reads people and picks up social cues with ease, and her memory is unnervingly precise. When Mother is entertaining in the guest room, the other ladies complement her:

_ “Such an obedient daughter, she’ll be easy to marry off one day”  _

or 

_ “Such a  _ _ shame _ _ that Kiyomi wasn’t born a son; if a boy had that type of intelligence, he would bring your household good fortune” _

or 

_ “A girl like that, I bet her bride price is going to be extraordinary! I mean, look, she even has your beauty!” _

Hagamegi Arisu is traditionally beautiful, with an oval face and peachy skin. She has pin-straight, light brown hair; bright blue eyes; a cute button nose; and delicate rosy lips. Kiyomi knows that  _ Okaa-sama _ is beautiful, but she can’t figure out why other people say that Kiyomi has inherited her mother’s beauty. 

_ Okaa-sama _ is full of color and light; in comparison, Kiyomi is dull. Kiyomi has her mother’s peachy skin and delicate pink lips, but the rest of her is drab. Where  _ Okaa-sama _ has golden-brown hair, Kiyomi’s hair is a brown so dark is appears black in the shade; where  _ Okaa-sama _ ’s eyes are bright blue and round, Kiyomi’s eyes are greyish blue (like slate) and slant slightly upwards at the corners; where  _ Okaa-sama _ ’s nose is cute and round, Kiyoko’s nose bridge is taller and her nose has more definition. 

Instead of voicing her confusion, Kiyomi listens to her elders talk and minds her manners. Elders should not be interrupted or questioned by their juniors and especially not by a girl. 

But she listens to the samurai’s wives talk about “ _ bride price _ ” and “ _ pretty _ ” and “ _ girl _ ”, and something hot and tight curls up in her throat. She takes a deep breath and relaxes (fidgeting is not appropriate at the table). 

Questions can be asked later, to her literature teacher. 

~~~~~

“Teacher.” Kiyomi asks the following week, “What is the difference between boys and girls?” The teacher stops grinding ink on the whetstone to give her a curious look. 

“Between boys and girls?”

“Yes, sir”

“Well, I supposed the main difference is that boys can inherit the estate and family title while girls can’t.”

“May I ask why, sir?”

“Girls don’t do politics, girls can’t fight, and proper girls don’t speak out. Pick any of the above.”

“Then what  _ can _ girls do?”

“Girls?” The teacher pauses. “Girls… Girls are wives, mothers… They can be beautiful, produce an heir for their husband, host their husband’s guests… or… I suppose they can also work as medics or entertainers.”

“Is that all, sir?”

“Yes, as far as I know. Now, get back to your calligraphy, I want to see your upwards strokes steady and even by the end of today’s session.”

Kiyomi re-focuses on her calligraphy, but the tight-hot angry feeling presses up against the back of her throat. Somehow, it feels a lot like when her father is too busy to look at her, or when her mother passes her in the hallways without acknowledging her… something like… anger or hurt or  _ dissatisfaction _ .

~~~~~

The Second Great Ninja war ends, and Kiyomi turns five. By now, Kiyomi has learned that women are expected to be a “good wife” or a “good mother” and that intelligence has no meaning if you are a woman. For all her tutors exclaim about her learning curve and talents in the women-arts, she hasn’t been selected for the academy, unlike Michiniyo-san’s first-born son-- who learns slower than Kiyoko but was still offered a position at the academy. 

Instead, Kiyomi has been told that she is “pretty” and will grow up to be “beautiful” and a “respectful, obedient wife”. Women, Kiyomi has learned, are treated like pretty, decorative ornaments. Every time somebody compliments her looks or disposition, Kiyomi presses down that tight ball of dissatisfaction-anger because even her mother, for all her passion and talent, does not protest, so maybe Kiyomi is the odd one, for wanting more than what she has been given. 

Kiyomi is selfish, maybe. And ungrateful, because most girls are not literate, or do not get an education in the womanly arts, or are not “pretty”. But sometimes, she wonders and questions and  _ thinks _ . Is that all a female is? How is a person’s worthiness determined, and why are women reduced to accessories for the other gender? What is it about being a boy that Kiyomi can’t do? 

Kiyomi has been deemed a prodigy by her tutors, yet the only things her parent’s friends talk about is how Kiyomi lives up to her name “pure beauty”-- as if Kiyomi doesn’t already hate her name for reducing her to something so superficial. Kiyomi is five and (compared to everyone around her), she has time to reach greater heights-- the problem is that only men are allowed to climb. So instead, Kiyomi pushes herself to excel at the available subjects. She learns how to make her fingers fly across the koto, spins elaborate patterns on the dance floor, perfects details of the tea ceremony, and steadies her calligraphy. She learns to ignore the pin-prick pains of sitting still for too long and masters the art of demure conversation. The adults coo and she is  _ burning--  _ with dissatisfaction, with anger, with something  _ hot  _ and  _ rolling  _ that presses against her ribcage-- even as she smiles with her eyes and hides her mouth behind a fan. 

~~~~~

Two weeks after the end of the Second Great Ninja war, Arisu-sama (no longer  _ Okaa-san, _ because Kiyomi has been told that it is unprofessional for a girl her age to use such informal titles) is deemed pregnant by a doctor. The household is a flurry of activity; the tatami is cleaned, sharp corners are dulled, and Arisu-sama goes to the temple and ancestor-shrine to pray for the heavens to grant her a son. 

To keep her out of the way,  _ Otou-sama  _ brings Kiyomi to the training grounds for samurai.  _ Shugo  _ Kamatsuura, the military governor of the territory and  _ Otou-sama’s  _ boss, has a force of twenty five full-fledged samurai and five trainees. Of the samurai,  _ Otou-sama  _ is the third-highest rank and is  **_impossibly strong_ ** _.  _

The first time Kiyomi sees her father cleave a giant boulder in half, she forgets all her etiquette lessons and doesn’t even cover her face with her fan as she gapes in open-mouth shock.

“What?” Her father teases as sheathes his  _ katana _ , “Surprised?”

She is too busy staring at the boulder ( _ oh-gods-it’s-cleaved-in-two-what-why-HOW) _ to respond, but a rapidly approaching samurai in full armor replies to her father. 

“Isao! Don’t go showing off to your daughter too much, you’ll raise her expectations for the rest of us into impossible standards!”

Her father laughs and turns to introduce Kiyomi to the other samurai. “Shuuto-san, this is Kiyomi, my five year old daughter.”

Immediately, Kiyomi’s etiquette lessons take control of her response. “This one is pleased to be introduced to Shuuto-sama”

“Woah, there. No need to be so formal, girl. Just call me Shuuto-jiisan. Anyway, why did you bring the little girl to training?”

“Wife is pregnant, again.”

“She is? Congratulations! I pray the gods bless you with an heir, this time around. Gods know we need more samurai trainees, the  _ shinobi _ are acting up again, at this point there’ll be another war before the end of the year.”

“Let’s not jinx it, yeah?”

Kiyomi trails dutifully behind the two men as they take her to the practice field. She dutifully waits for her father to introduce the men and explain the presence of a little girl on what was obviously male territory before bowing and offering her introductions to the samurai. 

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she is analyzing how the boulder split cleanly in two from a single sword strike-- one that didn’t even touch the boulder. Is that why men are different from women? Is that the secret for, well,  _ everything? _ If it is, Kiyomi will be satisfied and accept her place in the world because there is  **no way** that Kiyomi can do  _ that _ . That wasn’t even human!! How did that-- 

She takes a breath and shoves aside her emotions to calm down. No fidgeting-- the adults are talking and it would be rude not to be paying attention. Questions later, when  _ Otou-sama  _ is walking her home. For now, she will sit and practice calligraphy and go through the steps for the formal, summer festival fan-dance. 

~~~~~

On the way home, Kiyomi brings up the topic she has been distracted by all day. 

“Father, if I may ask a question?”

“Go ahead, little beauty”

“How did you split the rock??”

“Ah.” Her father chuckles, “That. That’s what we call  _ chakra. _ Samurai use it to fight.”

“Can I learn how to do that?”

Her father blinks down at her, obviously taken aback. “Theoretically… Everybody has chakra. But girls don’t fight. So, no, you cannot learn how to ‘do that’ as you put it.”

“Oh…” Kiyomi hides her frustration with the flutter of a fan. Something  _ else  _ she can’t do because she is  _ female.  _ “Is there really no way for me to learn about chakra?”

“Hmm…” her father accesses her, “I guess you could learn to use chakra as long as you don’t get any ideas about fighting.”

“Really?” This time, Kiyomi is too slow to cover her expression with her fan, and her father catches the beaming grin that she attempts to belatedly cover. 

“Yes, of course. What’s with the sudden interest though?”

“Father was amazing when he cut open the boulder! This one would appreciate the chance to be similarly amazing!!”

“Ah…” Father rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, “You probably won’t learn how to use chakra that way. I cut the boulder by channeling chakra into my blade. The type of metal used to create  _ katana _ s are reserved for samurai, and girls don’t become samurai.”

“Oh… Then what do girls do?”

“Woman can work as nurses to assist doctors with medical chakra”

“Medical chakra?” Kiyomi remembers the bitter conversation she had with the calligraphy instructor a year ago. He had mentioned something about nursing, then. 

“Correct. Medical chakra is used to seal up wounds and heal people, as in wounds literally shrink-- and women are good at caring for people-- so, nursing.”

Kiyomi gapes. That’s. That sounds impossible-- but then again, until today, she had thought that cutting a rock in half was also impossible, so maybe she hasn’t seen enough of the world to make such judgments. 

“When can I get started??”

“I’ll get you a book. Maybe one of the nurses at the local hospital will be willing to take an apprentice? As far as I know, they start you off with chakra control exercises and human anatomy memorization… Well, I’ll ask around”

True to his word, Kiyomi gets signed up as a nursing apprentice two weeks after the conversation. A couple of months into her apprenticeship, the Third Great Shinobi war starts, her father gets busier, Kazuo (for “harmonious man” and “first male”) is born, and life moves on. 

~~~~~

When Kiyomi is nine, four years after she had joined the nursing team as an apprentice, her maternal family wants to take her on a trading trip to Taki. 

Father is busier than ever, with warfare between shinobi villages intensifying. Arisu-sama is busy with her three younger brothers; five year old Kazuo "harmonious man" or "first male", two year old Keiji "respectful second son", and one year old Kichirou "lucky son". So, Kiyomi has nothing to do but practice the womanly-arts all day. 

Taki is between Earth country and Fire country, so it could be dangerous, but supplies are low because of the drawn-out warfare, and the other merchants agreed to meet only a half-hour away from the land of Iron’s border. Also, her younger brothers are too weak to last through the winter without warm clothing and food, so Kiyomi gets on the wagon with her uncle (Arisu-sama’s second brother) and his family to travel to Taki. 

~~~~~

One hour into travel, Kiyomi has decided that Toshiyuki- _ ojiisan  _ is her new favorite person. He asks for her opinion, checks if she is comfortable, and jokes around with his family until he’s rolling around on the cart without any dignity. Her cousins, the 13 year old twins Matsushino-san and Kumijiro-san are also cheerful and friendly, so the ride has been enjoyable so far. The twins’ mom, Anakeiji-san, doesn’t talk often, but she smiles so often and so brightly that it’s not awkward sitting next to her at all. 

Five hours into travel, and they are officially in Taki. Somehow, Kiyomi had expected a drastic change to mark the territory, but so far, no drastic changes or obvious markers. 

“Only two more minutes!” Her uncle sings from the front of the wagon. Her cousins start cheering as they pull into the designated meeting ground. 

They are still cheering when the first knife flies out of the trees and sinks into Anakeiji’s shoulder. 

There is a split second silence where everybody on the wagon freezes.

“ANAK-” Toshiyuki-ojiisan is yelling, and Anakeji-san is screaming, but the horse smells blood and spooks so badly it throws Matsushino clear off its back and drags the cart at full tilt towards the trees. The sudden movement launches Kumijiro, who had stood off the cart to help his mom, off the cart as well. The horse and the cart continue forward for a few terrifying moments, jolts, and then everything is launched up into the air as one of the tires catches on something and tilts upwards on one side. 

Everything goes black.

When Kiyomi wakes up, something heavy is on her back and suffocating her. Immediately, she panics, thrashing around until a heavy hand drops in front of her face. She stills. That… That’s Toshiyuki-ojjisan’s ring. She relaxes, and faintly, she hears yelling as another cart pulls up in the field. Everything fades back to black. 

~~~~~

They are told that the accident was caused because they tripped a trap that ninjas set up and didn’t disassemble. Toshiyuki-ojjisan died with a kunai stuck in his lung and Matsushino was killed when the horse threw him off. Anakeji-san and Kumijiro are injured, but alive. 

An accident

Kiyomi thinks back to the minutes before the knife came flying out of the tree, remembering laughter and cheering and-- They had been so happy. And Kiyomi… Kiyomi was useless because she was knocked out by the fall. Her ears are still ringing when the merchants take the survivors back to the iron country’s border and hand her over to the samurai there. 

Numb. 

Everything is numb. 

When she is gently led to her house, her mother opens the door, takes one look at the dirt and blood all over her hands, and blanches. Between the noise and the distant apathy (shock, her medical training says), Kiyomi doesn’t react when her mother crumples to the floor and sobs. The samurai pushes her into the house, and-- everything hits her at once. The terror, the terrifying realization of death, her uselessness. Something cold drips down her nose. 

Tears?

Oh, she’s crying. 

She brings up a hand to brush them away, but just ends up staring at the blood stains there. The other hand is the same. The blood…. 

Oh. oh. No. no. no-no-no-no-no-

Suddenly feeling sick, Kiyomi lurches to the bathroom, slams on the faucet, and scrubs desperately at the blood. The blood. It’s… It’s Toshiyuki-ojiisan’s blood. 

And her hands are covered in it. 

~~~~~

Sometime the next day, Arisu-sama bursts into the room, sobbing. Her normal composure and aloofness has been washed away with tears and grief. 

She drags Kiyomi off her futon, getting in her face to yell, “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE HIM, WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A PRODIGY IF YOU WERE USELESS WHEN IT MATTERED MOST?”

Kiyomi… 

The same thoughts have been running through Kiyomi’s head ever since she realized that she was covered in her uncle’s blood and hearing the words out loud finally breaks her. Before she knows it, she’s shoving Arisu-sama away from her.

A beat

Two

They realize what she has done at the same time. Kiyomi has laid a hand on her elder.  _ Kiyomi has laid a hand on her mother.  _ Immediately, she drops to her knees on the tatami flooring and presses her forehead to the ground in repentance. 

Fear fear- _ fear _ - _ fearfearfear _ -

A hand grabs her arm and yanks so Kiyomi lets herself be dragged out to the yard. 

“Kneel here until midnight. No dinner.” Arisu-sama’s voice has frozen over. “No food tomorrow either. Stay in isolation for a day.” 

Kiyomi makes a move to protest, but Arisu-sama’s eyes are empty and unfeeling and the same, creeping fear makes its way up her spine and makes her hold her tongue. 

~~~~~

At her uncle’s funeral, she avoids Anakeji-san and Kumijiro-san and is avoided in return. For all her calligraphy, her dance, her music, her tea ceremonies,  **her medical training** \-- she had been useless and there is nothing she can do or say to apologize. Instead, she sits in the room, dressed in white for the funeral, and cries quietly. 

At the very end of the funeral, Anakeji-san walks up to her and presses a silver hair pin into her hand. It’s medium sized, completely silver, and shaped like a cluster of violets interspersed with stars. Beautiful.

“Toshi wanted to be the one to give it to you.” She hesitates, like she wants to say more, closes her mouth, offers Kiyomi a wobbly smile, and walks away. 

Violets. Symbolizing honesty, protection, dreams, healing, remembrance, determination, and goal setting. Overall it conveys: growth, expansion, peace, and mental clarity. 

It’s perfect. 

Toshiyuki-ojiisan had known her so well and he had only interacted with her twice before deciding to take her along to Taki. 

Kiyomi breaks down crying all over again. 

~~~~~

A year after Toshiyuki-ojiisan’s death, Kiyomi turns ten. 

Women are not allowed to be political, but when her father has downed enough sake, he complains really, really loudly. Apparently Father’s _shugo_ (Kamatsuura) got in a dispute with Takeshiro, a neighboring _shugo_ with blood-connection to the _daimyo,_ over trading rights. 

When she is ten and a half, a month before the New Years holiday, a rumor spreads that Kamatsuura hired people to sabotage Takeshiro’s goods. Eventually, the issue is taken up to court and Kamatsuura is found guilty. The court declares that Kamatsuura will be executed unless one of Kamatsuura’s high-ranking samurai proves sincere regret _.  _

Four days later, Father volunteers for  _ seppuku _ in the stead of his  _ shugo _ . Ritual suicide to demonstrate sincerity of purpose.

Not for the first time, Kiyomi despises the system. But she is a woman, and women have no voice. 

Instead, she is resigned to watching her father prepare for death. Numb and apathetic. It’s like Toshiyuki-ojiisan’s death all over again. Helpless. 

Dressed in ritual robes, he walks to the execution stand, plunges his best short sword into the left side of the abdomen, draws the blade laterally across, and then turns it upward. 

It takes him six, agonizing hours to die. 

Kiyomi watches with red eyes, tracking the spreading pool of blood.

When she gets home, Arisu-sama hands her all her belongings and pushes her back out the door. Kiyomi is too numb to resist. Kiyomi is taken to the Red Light District, led up the stairs and into the most popular  _ okiya  _ (entertainment and lodging house for  _ geisha _ ) in the area. 

The next morning, she wakes up in a room with the other  _ shikomi  _ (apprentice geisha hopefuls and children in training). She presses her thumb against the metal violets of her hair pin. 

Protection. Dreams. Healing. Determination. Goals. 

She squares her shoulders. 

First goal, survival. Second, live like she wants to live. If that means showing off her talents on the womanly arts and becoming a  _ geisha _ , so be it. 


End file.
